Earthworm Jim The Ballad of Fatty Roswell
by Slomoto
Summary: One of my old Earthworm Jim fanfics from 98. In this one: Jim is abducted by an alien fast food entrepeneur who wants to unlock the secret to loving his awful food from the worm's brain.


THE BALLAD OF FATTY ROSWELL  
>Written by Mike "Slomoto" Cervantes<p>

Earthworm Jim and all related characters are coppyright Shiny ent.

Narrator: Today, We join our heroes squirming under the mercy of the evil Queen Bloated,  
>pulsating, Festering, Sweaty, puss-filled, Malformed Slug for a Butt.<p>

(The queen has Jim and Peter Puppy chained against a wall in a dungeon. Jim is not wearing his  
>suit, As the Queen is holding it in her arms.)<p>

Queen: HahHah, Now that I have your suit, Earthworm Jim, I shall use it's powers to rule the  
>world. And, just to make sure you don't get it back, I'm going to have my guards make you<br>squirm under their mercy. ZURBS! Administer the really icky torture to the prisoner.

(A zurb stands in front of Jim and Peter holding a large piece of paper.)

Jim: Sweet sod have mercy, Peter! He's FOLDING A MAP THE WRONG WAY!

Peter: try to stay strong, Big fella...

Jim: You're right, I must try to tune this hideous display out of my mind.  
>(Jim shuts his eyes and starts to strain. Suddenly he opens his eyes which are now glowing<br>bright white. The shackles on Jim's worm body shatter and he goes floating around the room.)

Queen (inching her way out of the dungeon.) now, where am I going to get a shoehorn and 50 cans  
>of axle grease? (Jim floats by.) hey look, a flying worm. Flying worm?<p>

(Jim stares at the Queen. The queen gets hoisted up in the air and goes crashing through the  
>dungeon cieling.)<p>

Queen: (Still flying through the air) I really must come up with some worse torture techniques.

Jim: (floats into his suit and opens his eyes) Hey? How'd I get here? No matter! (runs over to  
>Peter and pulls off Peter's shackles.)<p>

Peter: Wow! I thought we were really done for. Good thing your amazing psychic powers kicked in.

Jim: What amazing psychic powers?

Peter: *Sigh* Nevermind, Let's go get some lunch!

EARTHWORM JIM!  
>The soil he did crawl.<br>EARTHWORM JIM!  
>A Super-Suit did fall.<br>Jim was just a dirt-eating, chewy length of worm flesh,  
>But all that came to a crashing end. Oh, Haha...<br>EARTHWORM JIM!  
>He's such a groovy guy.<br>EARTHWORM JIM!  
>He rockets through the sky.<br>Cruising through the universe, having lots of fun.  
>Here comes Earthorm Jim you know that he's the mighty one. LOOK OUT!<p>

Despite his great big muscles and his really big ray gun,  
>Jim is still an Earthworm, but then he's the only one,<br>with a super suit to make him really super strong.  
>Jim can be a winner if you only sing along.<br>THAT'S RIGHT! EARTHWORM JIM!  
>He's really mighty fine.<br>EARTHWORM JIM!  
>A Hero for all time.<br>EARTHWORM, EARTHWORM, EARTHWORM, EARTHWORM JIM!  
>Hoo-Ray for Jim!<p>

Gahhrovy!

-

Narrator: *Ahem* Correct. We join our heroes having a bit of lunch at an intergalactic food  
>restaraunt.<p>

Jim: Give them the 411, voice guy!

Narrator: Very well. Having been open for 20 years, Fatty's Burger Barge has been

delighting the the intergalactic fast food-goers with their friendly family atmosphere and low  
>prices.<p>

Peter: Is that all it is?

Jim: what do you mean?

Peter: Oh, come on, you can't tell? The food here reeks big onions! I don't know how you can even  
>digest these "Barge Burgers."<p>

Jim: I like it here. You haven't touched your "hot Tribble pie."

Peter: Um, now that I have a look at it, I don't think I want to eat a anything harrier than I am.

Jim: (Sing-song) Don't mind if I do, fuzz buddy! (takes the pie and starts chewing on it.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Jim, his masticatory actions are being carefully  
>monitored.<p>

(A security camera mounted on the wall zooms in on Jim's eating. In another room, a series of  
>TV sets are piled ontop of eachother. A Shadowy figure is sitting on a chair watching the<br>Images of Jim.)

?: Can you believe that? He's actually enjoying the food here. I came up with the recipies

and even I don't like to eat that Tribble pie. McKay! Get your Pimply alien butt in here!

(A short alien wearing a fast food outfit walks in.)

McKay: yes Maste-, ut, I mean, boss.

?: Perhaps you can tell me what manner of beast is that. The one eating 57 dollars worth of  
>Hamburgers.<p>

McKay: that's no beast. It's Earthworm Jim, the intergalactic superhero that also happens to be  
>an invertebrate. I have all his action figures.<p>

?: Earthworm Jim, eh? Do you know what this means for us, McKay?

McKay: That your hamburgers taste just like a rotting corpse?

?: yeah, but besides that.

McKay: I give up...

?: That worm is the only being in existance that loves my cooking. If I could get a sample  
>of his brain fluid, I could add it to my hamburgers. Once the public eats my tainted food, they<br>will begin to love my burgers, and I will quadruple my income! BwahHaHaHahH!

McKay: Why can't you just make the hambugers taste better?

?: Nonsense, I'm the boss, you'll do what I say. Now, assemble the night workers. We got an  
>abduction to make.<p>

Narrator: Who is this martian madman? What has he planned for our favorite worm superhero?  
>Why do I always answer myself in questions? Do I know why? Stay tuned to find out.<p>

-

(Bob the Goldfish gets carried into a bluescreen room by #4. Bob faces the audience.)

Bob: Hello out there in TV land. I am Bob the killer Goldfish. As an animated cartoon personality  
>I don't get to step out of character very often, But, I'm here to fight back against acusations<br>that my home, La Planeta De Agua (Arriba) Is an unfit place to live. Roll the film, Boomer.

(the film begins with Bob's narration. A wide shot of La Planeta De Agua is seen.)

Bob: La Planeta de Agua (Arriba) Is home to some of the finest underwater resorts in the tri-  
>galaxy area. The visitors to this small, watery planitoid get to enjoy many wholesome activities.<br>Such as, boating, scuba diving, and running from ferocious Tiger sharks. Jus' think of it as a  
>beach with no land on it.<p>

(The film shuts down. #7 walks in.)

Bob: I happen to know, ladies and gentlemen, that La Planeta De Agua (arriba) is the only place  
>where gigantic mutant cats 'n tropical fish live in perfect harmony.<p>

#7: Deeh, That's right, Boss.

Bob: #7? I thought I fired you!

#7: You didn't fire me, I quit!

Bob: No, I fired you!

#7: I quit!

Bob: Fired!

#7: quit!

Bob: *sighs* Ok, have it your way. You quit

#7: Yeah. So, do I still got my job?

Bob: FOURR!

(#4 grabs #7 and tosses him off screen.)

Bob: Oh, forget this. Sure ladies and gentlemen, La Planeta de Agua (Arriba) is a pretty  
>crummy place to live. But, just you wait, De, HEHeh. Once I take over the universe noone's gonna<br>have a place to live... On the count, You'll all be my SLAVES! MUAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAH!

(#4 sits Bob's goldfish bowl on the ground and walks off.)

Bob: Oh, wait, #4, get back here! Get your...Oh, just fade to black...

Narrator: and now, back to Earthworm Jim. Where, after a full day fo fighting crime, our hero  
>heads home for a long rest.<p>

Jim: It's hard to stay up after 57 dollars worth of hamburgers.

(Jim steps out of the bathroom wearing a pair of blue-striped Pajamas. He unfolds his  
>bedsheets and crawls into bed. He tosses and turns for a little while.)<p>

Jim: Rrgh. Something's missing...

(Snott hops into bed. Jim picks him up and cradles him like a teddy bear.)

Jim: Much better.

Snott: ShluHughoo...

Jim: Good night, Snott.

(Jim and Snott go to sleep. The room gets filled with bright light and hums in an eerie  
>tone.)<p>

Jim: (still asleep) Pe-ter? don't make popcorn now...

(Jim's bed starts floating in the air. Jim bumps against the cieling, making him turn  
>over and put a pillow over his head. The bed crashes through the roof of the house and drifts<br>into the opening of a flying saucer.)

Narrator: Moments later...

(Jim wakes up to find he's been put in a prison cell.)

Jim: Jimminy! I've been captured. Where the heck am I?

Snott: HucchaSlopps Hecha thop...

Jim: I don't think we're in Turlauk anymore Snott.

Voice: O'course not, you're in this here flying saucer, isn't that wild?

(Jim looks in the cell across from his to see a slghtly overweight man wearing reflective  
>sunglasses. He has a huge quaff of hair and is wearing a white suit with a blue undershirt.<br>He's got a bunch of gold rings.)

Jim: Great Googly-Woogly! It's "The King!"

Preston: Who's a King? I dunno no King. My name's Preston, Uh-huh.

Jim: Preston? Do you not know who you are? You're-

Preston: I don't know who I am. I've lost my memory. In fact, I remember the last time I lost my  
>memory.<p>

Jim: Aw, you're not having a flashback are you?

Preston: 'Fraid so Worm-Boy. Y'see, a few years ago I used to be a pretty important person on  
>Earth. Until one day, many years ago I was abducted from Las Vegas. A pink alien dude named<br>Fatty Roswell said he wanted me to conduct brain experiments on a'n junk. He erased all memory  
>of who I used to be. I later escaped this place on a laundry rocket, which landed in "the land of<br>The fried Bananas." Wonderful. The Fried Banana people took me in and accepted me as one of their  
>own. In turn I helped them by driving away their persuers, who turned out to be a bunch of<br>monkeys. I was known as "Preston, The Monkey slayer." But then, Fatty abducted me again, so now  
>I'm here. Uh-Huh.<p>

Jim: Fatty Roswell? The fast food enrepeneur?

Preston: Uh-Huh.

Jim: well, he may make burgers just like mother used to make, but no-one imprisons "The King."

Preston: ut, who's this "King" you keep talkin' 'bout?

Jim: Nevermind that, How do you get out of here?

Preston: Well, I used to try sneaking out thorugh the laundry chute, but Since Fatty got himself his  
>own washing machine. I'm afraid there ain't no way offa this Jailhouse rock.<p>

Jim: I'll get us out. These bars look like no match for my incredible strength! (Jim pulls on  
>ths bars, which don't budge.) Dang, this isn't working.<p>

Preston: why don't you try going up the air vent in your cell?

Jim: Hey, I thought there wasn't a way out.

Preston: I didn't notice that vent until now, Isn't that wild?

Snott: Squaa, Squaa.

Jim: Excellent suggestion, Booger Buddy! (Jim picks up Snott and tosses him in the air)  
>Ally-Oop!<p>

(Snott oozes through the vent, and then pulls the screen off.)

Jim: Ok, hoist me up!

(Snott stretches downward and picks up Jim. He carries Jim up the vent.)

Preston: what a couple o' weirdos.

(Snott breaks down a vent in Preston's cell and scoops Preston up too.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ship.

(Fatty Roswell is sitting in the contol room when an alarm goes off.)

Fatty: Sweet Sarah Lee! What's going on.

McKay: Sir! The Prisoners have escaped!

Fatty: I'll never get my important hamburger data unless you recover them! Seal all the exits!

McKay: Will do!

Fatty: Oh, and send out the robot guards. I get a real kick out of those...

(McKay exits.)

Fatty: It feels so great kidnapping people. I don't know why I became a legitimate businessman  
>in the first place. Mother always said I had a career in SUPPERVILLIANY! BUAHAHAHAHAHAAAH<br>(coughs) I need to work on that...

(Jim kicks open a vent and hops down into a long hallway. Snott hops out behind him and they  
>both pull Preston out of the vent.)<p>

Preston: I really gotta cut down on the prison food.

Jim: Where are we?

Preston: This here's the storage room. The exit is one mile thattaway.

Jim: you're pointing in the direction opposite from where we were going.

Preston: It's not my fault we're going the wrong way, baby.

Jim: You were leading us!

Preston: Oh.

Jim: Criminy! Are you sure Fatty didn't just steal ALL of your brains?

Robot1: The intruders! Get them!

Robot2: You're not the boss of me.

Jim: Killer Robots? Aww...

Preston: At least there's only 2 of 'em.

(A bunch of other Robots surround Jim, Snott and Preston.)

Jim: (Whips out his gun and starts zapping robots) EAT DIRT! Soul-less human toasters! HAAHAHAHAHAAH!

(Jim blasts a few robots into space dust. More come out of the shadows.)

Jim: Uh, a little help?

Snott: (starts spitting boogers at Robots) Hack-ptooy, Hack-Ptooy! (Morphs into a boxing glove  
>and smacks robots into the walls.)<p>

Preston: Eat feet, metal boys! Hyah! (Uses Kung-fu kicks and chops on the robots.)

Narrator: A few minutes, and a large amount of wasted production time later. Our heroes have  
>disposed of the robotic guards.<p>

Jim: Groovy moves there, Preston.

Preston: Yeah, I was thinking maybe I was a great warrior back on Earth.

Jim: (Scratches his head) Something like that. Anyway, let's beat it.

(Jim starts to walk, but Preston trips him.)

Jim: Hey, what was that for?

Preston: Shh, Listen...I hear voices...

(Jim puts a hand to his ear.)

Laymen: So, the boss told us to find a muscular worm, a giant booger, and a guy in a sparkly  
>jumpsuit?<p>

McKay: Yep.

Laymen: What do they look like?

McKay: You'll know them when you see them.

Preston: Quick, we must hide!

Jim: Where!

Preston: (Opens up his shirt.) Quick, Jump into my wife's deep pockets!

(Jim and Snott hop into Preston's shirt. Preston picks up a giant metal hamburger and holds it  
>over his head.)<p>

McKay: (Looks at Preston) Is that the new sign for the restaraunt?

Laymen: Our boss has one sick sense of humor.

(Laymen and McKay walk off.)

Preston: (whispers) The coast is clear, Hound-dogs.

(Jim and Snott hop out of Preston's shirt.)

Jim: Whoo-Eee, smells like a heartbreak hotel in there.

Preston: Nevermind that, let's make a break with my blue suede shoes.

Fatty: Going somewhere, boys?

(Fatty is standing in front of Jim holding a ketchup bottle.)

Jim: I'll handle this: Hey, Chubby! What are you going to do, jiggle us to death.

Fatty: (Presses a button on the ketchup bottle, and it morphs into a gigantic ketchup rifle.)  
>The name's Fatty, and I Jiggle becasue I'm laughing at your misery! (Shoots Jim and Preston with<br>Ketchup.)

Jim: ...can't... move, Ketchup...solidifying...talking...like...caveman.

Preston: Don't be cruel, fatty. Jus' don't be cruel.

Fatty: Oh, I'm not going to be cruel. I'm going to be RUTHLESS! BUAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAH!

Jim: That's the same as being cruel.

Fatty: HAaHAA- Really? Ok, then I'm going to be cruel!

Narrator: After a few short moments. Fatty set up a deathtrap garaunteed to put Earthworm Jim  
>into terrible peril.<p>

(Jim and Preston are being held by two big mechanical arms being held over a tub of boiling  
>vegetable oil. Fatty is pushing buttons on a control panel across from the vat.)<p>

Fatty: Pop quiz, tubby: What happens to the people who interfere with big business?

Preston: Um, they get let go before they get dipped in boiling oil?

Fatty: No, but you're close...

Jim: Ooh! ooH! I know! They get dipped in boiling oil!

Fatty: Correct Worm! Once I start these mechanical arms on auto pilot, they will slowly let go of  
>their fingers in a deadly game of "THis little piggy" and "That Little piggy" and you two will<br>have met your maker by the time it takes them to go "All the way home.

Jim: You really should work on your villain dialogue, Roswell.

Fatty: Oit, ah! It doesn't matter, you're still going to die. (Presses a button on the  
>control panel, making the two pinky fingers of the mechanical hands point out.<p>

Narrator: Is this the end of our hero? Will he become french-fried annelid?

Snott: QuatKiiCach Hee Hlap Hat (Translation: Not if I can help it!)

(Snott hops onto the conrol panel and starts randomly pressing buttons. Fatty slaps Snott off  
>the buttons, but Snott wraps around fatty's legs causing the fast food felon to land flat on his<br>face.)

Jim: (Starts struggling) I think Snott weakened the mechanism so I could pull myself free!  
>(Manages to puull himself free.)<p>

Preston: It sounds like you got yourself a plan, Jimbo.

Jim: do I ever! Geronimo! (Leaps off the mechanical fist.) Wait! What was the rest of my plan?

Snott: Qlaq, Qlaq! (spins his head around.)

Jim: Oh yeah, that's right! (Spins his head around like A Helicopter and lands softly on Snott.)  
>Ok, Snott. Up up and away!<p>

(Snott morphs into a spring and tosses Jim into the air. Jim catches the fist preston is being  
>held in and pulls off a chunk of the metal arm, causing the fist to fall off the rest of the<br>arm. Preston falls and lands on Snott hard. causing him to Splatter. Jim runs over and  
>frees Preston.)<p>

Preston: Groovy, baby. This fist looks like it could use a tuneup. (Preston molds the giant  
>hand into the "Ok" sign.) Ok, jimmy, help me crry this thang.<p>

(Jim, Preston, and Snott pick up the hand and run it towards Fatty.)

Fatty: You good-doing slab of protein! You'll pay for this! (Gets flicked into orbit by the  
>mechanical hand.)<p>

Jim: WooHoo! we did it!

Fatty: (Flying throuh space) Earthworm Jim! I'll get even if it's the last thing I do! (lands on  
>a giant hamburger bun. Galgamort the destroyer picks up the gigantic bun.)<p>

Galgamort: Ah, Rosy, hon. There's a bug on my hamburg.

Rosebud: Ah, just eat it anyway, Galgamort. Me little cupcake.

Fatty: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Narrator: finally. Back on the space shuttle.

Jim: (Dabs his head with a handkerchief.) Thanks for helping me de-pickle Fatty Roswell. Hey,  
>why don't you think about becoming a superhero?<p>

Preston: I'd love to worm-man. But I'm afraid my destiny lies on a little farm...In the land...  
>of the fried bananas...<p>

Jim: Suit yourself (Hands Preston the sweaty hankerchief.) See you later. (Gets up on his  
>pocket-rocket and flies off.)<p>

Preston: (Looks at the sweaty handkerchief.) Hmm? Wait! Jim! I remember Who I am! I'm taking  
>this shuttle with me back to Graceland and making my big comeback. Hide all the grannies mama,<br>'cause "The King" has returned. Uh-Huh!

(A cow falls on Preston.)

Preston: Aw, dang...

THE END!


End file.
